we made it!

we are in california! and it may be the jet lag/dehydration/extreme diet change/sunshine but these first few days are oh so magical! its like you don't mind a smidge when your baby wakes up at 2:30am, ready to greet the day, cause you've been lying there waiting for her first little peep so you could get up too! and thennnn there is this endless world of possibilities that you make sure to make a list of, and then wait with anticipation to do them. straight up disneyland magic, im telling you.

///our flight was pretty uneventful. it could've been a whole lot worse, i could say. willow was a star, as usual. but still, 11 hours on a plane with a 14 month old is rough. she pretty much crawled all over that thing (gross, but i got over it pretty quickly, amidst all the "you are a terrible mother!" stares. whatever. she was happy).

///our first stop straight off the plane, as traditions states, was the bear pit. for some good-for-the-soul-not-so-good-for-the-thighs, beef sandwiches on garlic toast with a side of baked beans and coleslaw. (oh, and dont forget the pork ribs and french fries and deadly amounts of barbeque sauce + iced tea. oh geeze.)

///not five minutes after we arrived at grandma Sallys, did willow discover the pool and attempt to dive right in. (not joking, this girl is fearless). while clay left to help his dad with his boat, we both got our swimsuits on and enjoyed some water and sunshine. what cold water and warm sun does to your swollen post-flight body! the perfect remedy. 

all this to say, i have been up for 4 hours, and its only 6:15. so excuse me if my brain sounds weird. 

...but here are a thousand words anyway.

oh my, how do i begin? well, im just going to be honest. im terrified.

the very day i didn't start my period, i knew. my cycle is more dependable than the arms on a clock. but i waited a whole week hoping that i had just miscalculated and was going to start the next week.
i didn't. of course i didn't.
even on monday morning, when i had decided i was going to take a test, i didn't want to. for some reason, not knowing for certainly certain, was better than those two lines telling me the whole undeniable truth.
i felt irresponsible, i felt unprepared, i felt inadequate, i felt afraid of my own body, i felt resentment against my husband, i felt anger, i felt a whole lot of things that are better left unpublished. i felt terrified of the future. the only thing that was a comfort was the 9 month old girl i was holding in my arms, knowing that she was the end result. now all i would have to do is get through this next year and it would be ok.

(now, before you start thinking im a terrible person, and how could i be so selfish and stupid, and do you know how many women out there wish they were in your position and would be crying tears of joy instead of tears of fear and desperation, and how could you, etc etc?? well, you could go right ahead, im thinking the same things of myself too. and thats ok, im allowed to feel this way. and dont you tell me i can't!)

i had all but sworn that i would never have any more children. i just couldn't imagine it. i mean, i knew we would eventually, but would i really have gone through with it if that was the plan? the plan was to have two children (one for each hand, etc. you know) and to have them fairly close together, just get it all done with and then they would be best of friends and la di da.
then, i had willow.

my pregnancy with willow was fairly easy, with the exception of minor identity crisis issues, acid reflux so bad it nearly ate a hole in my stomach, a bruised rib and the other usual pregnancy suspects.
her birth, on the other hand, was not so easy. it was nothing like i had planned or hoped. it was a nightmare, and i don't even remember the most of it or the few days after. only pictures remind me of the first time i held her, or the first time she nursed. it was the worst (and best) day of my life. and i would really like not to have to go through that again.

for some reason, i was always under the impression that being pregnant and giving birth was the most primal and natural and instinctual and feminine thing a woman could ever do. and maybe i read/watched one to many hippie mother manuals but ARE YOU SERIOUS? i never felt more unnatural, abnormal, out of my own head, crazy lady, THIS CANNOT BE REAL LIFE, than when i was pregnant and in labour.
or maybe i just didn't get that "mom" gene that most women get. sure, i could do it, i am currently doing it. but sometimes when i remember that i am a mother, it feels like someone punched me in the gut and gave me a hug at the same time. (willow actually does do that in real life on occasion, but you know what i mean.) because its frightening! a whole life in your hands? willow is a lot more than just a cute baby. she is a life, a soul, a person, that I am responsible for. and i feel really not good at it some days. those days when i look at the clock, its only 3pm, and i wonder how in the world im going to get through the next hours until her bath and bedtime. it usually consists of a few minutes in the fetal position, lots of tears, my darling daughter mauling me like a bear, and then  comes the teensy bit of strength that could only come from above, getting us through the next few hours.
anyway, i digress. but you get what im saying right? this mom business is no piece of cake! (but a piece of cake does help, i tell you)


in conclusion: i know i have some mad hormones going on right now, and have had some pretty epic lows these past few months. and im not saying that these next 20 weeks are going to be the best either, but i DO know, that once all of this is done and dusted, and i am holding that tiny new life in my arms, all these feelings and fears are going to go right away. (and then they'll come back a day or two later, then hang out for the first few weeks when i bawl my eyes out every night at 9pm and wonder what the heck i am doing. and then come back periodically throughout the rest of my mom years, but still. you get me.) im just glad im not alone in this whole new mom thing. i have one, and soon to be two, little babes who are also new at this mom thing too. and we'll get it eventually. or maybe we won't. either way, we are learning.

a picture is worth a thousand words...

spring, is that you?

yesterday was the very first day of spring (did you hear me, winter?! i said it! dont you dare tell me otherwise.). we enjoyed a nice walk around town in the morning time, i got an iced coffee and proceeded to walk swiftly about as willow wanted her morning nap. i went to the library to sip that coffee (maybe read a chapter of something?) while she slept, but when i got there she wasn't asleep yet!  but it was a great and happy coincidence anyway, because unbeknownst to me, there at the library, every tuesday morning from 10:30-12 there is a parent and toddler play group! and surely there was no sleeping to be done then, as she jumped right into the vat of toys and tried to steal all the little snacks. pure happiness on that girls face. we left after a while, as our parking was about to expire.

we stopped at the store on the way home, had a nap and some lunch (her first pb and j!), then hit the grass outside. but when i say "hit the grass" i mean, stay on the quilt which lay on the grass because for some reason, willow is terrified of it. i mean, she will hardly touch it. it took a lot of coaxing and showing just to get her to touch (and mayyybe pull) the grass. i couldve taken a whole nap, knowing for darn sure she wasn't going to go anywhere (ps, i restrained myself). and ohhhhhh my goodness, it was nice. and no wind! which meant lovely lovely rays of warmth hitting our skin uninterrupted! BUT the inevitable happened, and some clouds rolled in after a while, plus the wind started to pick up, so we headed back inside.

pb & j success! no hives to be seen!

see what i told you about wanting to take a nap? but there was no possibility. 

hands up from the evil evil grass!

also, clay came home a bit early to take advantage of the lovely weather and do some fishing. we joined for about two seconds on the beach, but willow felt the same about sand as she did about the grass, maybe even slightly more passionate.

she cried the whole time. mostly because the evil evil sand stood between her and her dad, and some because she did not appreciate his coming home early to fish and not spend time focusing solely on her. this was a hard lesson to learn for such a small child.

but before you get too excited about the gorgeous weather we had yesterday, know thats its raining now, and the forecast says it will continue to for the next three days. but i will take one day like yesterday and three days rain, its better than none!

willows first birthday

my goodness, willows first birthday has come and gone! it was a great day, and to be honest im kinda glad its over. shhhh, dont tell anyone! 

anyways, the morning started off with getting the room all decorated and set up, we had it in a classroom thats a part of the church offices. we invited everyone from the church, so we were expecting a crowd. and boy, we weren't disappointed! there were a few hiccups though, willow had missed her afternoon nap, and my chocolate chip cookies were about the only thing that got her through, i hadn't washed my hair in weeks (and for some reason wore it down?? come on lady!), clay was wrecked from helping set up and studying for easter service the next day. BUT all in all it was a lovely day, with loads of kids and snacks and crafts and fun to be had. 

the theme was hot air balloons, since willow has this love relationship with balloons, and needs to have them in her hands if they are anywhere in her presence. (even if that means dangerously balancing in clays hands to grab the one stuck in the ceiling, or walking into mcdonalds and grabbing one without buying any sort of happy meal). 

so we set up this hot air balloon photo booth, for kids to jump in the basket and have their picture taken, and boy did they come out cute! thanks for the idea pinterest, but i think we one upped you in the awesome department...sorries!

and here are some more photos of willow and the rest of the days events...

(she WOULD NOT eat her smash cake. not even after tempting her with the cream cheese frosting. maybe it was all those chocolate chip cookies?)

(well, it was all lovely and great, but im glad her next birthday is a year away....!)

willow is one

happy birthday, my dear sweet child. i cant believe i didn't know you a year ago, and now its like i've never not known you.
you are the most curious little child. you are restless for entertainment. you have such an intensity that i see in every move of your tiny body. you want to touch and taste everything you see. you wear your heart on your sleeve. you are completely fearless. you drive me crazy but you are my sanity. you are so forgiving and kind (for those times when i am a bit crazy). your smile lights up a room. you have the largest bank of silly expressions that you pull from constantly (and they twist my heart further 'round your tiny finger). you don't tolerate any nonsense. you are so very serious sometimes (i guess you get that from your father). you love going to the swings, even if it means freezing your tush off for as long as you can stand. you love apples and oranges, even to your own (and my nose's) discomfort. you squeal and squawk when you see that i forgot to put away penelope's water dish in the morning (then quickly put your hand in it and splash the water out). you can crawl like a little flash of lightning nowadays, and because of that, you have no desire to walk anymore. you (almost) always wake up happy, chatting away to yourself till i come get you. you carry on all sorts of conversation when you're in the mood, and i have no idea what you're saying (but its so dang cute).

you are the best girl i have ever known. i am so glad to see you grow everyday, and i cant wait to see the lady you will become. i know i have only seen one of your many years on this earth so far, and you're going to have to work really hard to top it, but my goodness girl, you really are the best.

ps.
i love you.