Thursday, May 23, 2013

we made it!

we are in california! and it may be the jet lag/dehydration/extreme diet change/sunshine but these first few days are oh so magical! its like you don't mind a smidge when your baby wakes up at 2:30am, ready to greet the day, cause you've been lying there waiting for her first little peep so you could get up too! and thennnn there is this endless world of possibilities that you make sure to make a list of, and then wait with anticipation to do them. straight up disneyland magic, im telling you.

///our flight was pretty uneventful. it could've been a whole lot worse, i could say. willow was a star, as usual. but still, 11 hours on a plane with a 14 month old is rough. she pretty much crawled all over that thing (gross, but i got over it pretty quickly, amidst all the "you are a terrible mother!" stares. whatever. she was happy).

///our first stop straight off the plane, as traditions states, was the bear pit. for some good-for-the-soul-not-so-good-for-the-thighs, beef sandwiches on garlic toast with a side of baked beans and coleslaw. (oh, and dont forget the pork ribs and french fries and deadly amounts of barbeque sauce + iced tea. oh geeze.)

///not five minutes after we arrived at grandma Sallys, did willow discover the pool and attempt to dive right in. (not joking, this girl is fearless). while clay left to help his dad with his boat, we both got our swimsuits on and enjoyed some water and sunshine. what cold water and warm sun does to your swollen post-flight body! the perfect remedy. 

all this to say, i have been up for 4 hours, and its only 6:15. so excuse me if my brain sounds weird. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

...but here are a thousand words anyway.

oh my, how do i begin? well, im just going to be honest. im terrified.

the very day i didn't start my period, i knew. my cycle is more dependable than the arms on a clock. but i waited a whole week hoping that i had just miscalculated and was going to start the next week.
i didn't. of course i didn't.
even on monday morning, when i had decided i was going to take a test, i didn't want to. for some reason, not knowing for certainly certain, was better than those two lines telling me the whole undeniable truth.
i felt irresponsible, i felt unprepared, i felt inadequate, i felt afraid of my own body, i felt resentment against my husband, i felt anger, i felt a whole lot of things that are better left unpublished. i felt terrified of the future. the only thing that was a comfort was the 9 month old girl i was holding in my arms, knowing that she was the end result. now all i would have to do is get through this next year and it would be ok.

(now, before you start thinking im a terrible person, and how could i be so selfish and stupid, and do you know how many women out there wish they were in your position and would be crying tears of joy instead of tears of fear and desperation, and how could you, etc etc?? well, you could go right ahead, im thinking the same things of myself too. and thats ok, im allowed to feel this way. and dont you tell me i can't!)

i had all but sworn that i would never have any more children. i just couldn't imagine it. i mean, i knew we would eventually, but would i really have gone through with it if that was the plan? the plan was to have two children (one for each hand, etc. you know) and to have them fairly close together, just get it all done with and then they would be best of friends and la di da.
then, i had willow.

my pregnancy with willow was fairly easy, with the exception of minor identity crisis issues, acid reflux so bad it nearly ate a hole in my stomach, a bruised rib and the other usual pregnancy suspects.
her birth, on the other hand, was not so easy. it was nothing like i had planned or hoped. it was a nightmare, and i don't even remember the most of it or the few days after. only pictures remind me of the first time i held her, or the first time she nursed. it was the worst (and best) day of my life. and i would really like not to have to go through that again.

for some reason, i was always under the impression that being pregnant and giving birth was the most primal and natural and instinctual and feminine thing a woman could ever do. and maybe i read/watched one to many hippie mother manuals but ARE YOU SERIOUS? i never felt more unnatural, abnormal, out of my own head, crazy lady, THIS CANNOT BE REAL LIFE, than when i was pregnant and in labour.
or maybe i just didn't get that "mom" gene that most women get. sure, i could do it, i am currently doing it. but sometimes when i remember that i am a mother, it feels like someone punched me in the gut and gave me a hug at the same time. (willow actually does do that in real life on occasion, but you know what i mean.) because its frightening! a whole life in your hands? willow is a lot more than just a cute baby. she is a life, a soul, a person, that I am responsible for. and i feel really not good at it some days. those days when i look at the clock, its only 3pm, and i wonder how in the world im going to get through the next hours until her bath and bedtime. it usually consists of a few minutes in the fetal position, lots of tears, my darling daughter mauling me like a bear, and then  comes the teensy bit of strength that could only come from above, getting us through the next few hours.
anyway, i digress. but you get what im saying right? this mom business is no piece of cake! (but a piece of cake does help, i tell you)

in conclusion: i know i have some mad hormones going on right now, and have had some pretty epic lows these past few months. and im not saying that these next 20 weeks are going to be the best either, but i DO know, that once all of this is done and dusted, and i am holding that tiny new life in my arms, all these feelings and fears are going to go right away. (and then they'll come back a day or two later, then hang out for the first few weeks when i bawl my eyes out every night at 9pm and wonder what the heck i am doing. and then come back periodically throughout the rest of my mom years, but still. you get me.) im just glad im not alone in this whole new mom thing. i have one, and soon to be two, little babes who are also new at this mom thing too. and we'll get it eventually. or maybe we won't. either way, we are learning.