baby worrell #2

(at 34 weeks. and the ONLY self portrait of being pregnant that i have. am i a terrible person?)

this baby is coming, and coming soon.

im 38 weeks now and so very close to meeting this surprise child. of course, im feeling as large and uncomfortable as any pregnant lady does at this stage. but even more uncomfortable, is where my brain is at with the thought of giving birth again. and obviously the thought has been a constant fear/worry/dread (anybody got a thesaurus?!) since the day i found out i was pregnant. but also, since ive been pregnant I've learned more details about what happened during willows birth (updated her birth story, btw) after getting to sit down with my doctor (well she's not my doctor technically... but its kind of a long story) and having her read over my notes recorded after willows birth, and explaining all that they meant. plus, all of this was being told to me without having just had a baby and coming off general anaesthetic!

and so, since understanding more of the details, i have spent countless hours googling and researching. from midwife forums to medical journals, mother/baby websites to personal blogs, aromatherapy techniques to yoga poses, ANYTHING to better mentally and physically prepare me for this time around (enter why i said "overwhelming" here).

the only thing is though, all of this has only gotten me more confused and scared and worried. because really, at the end of the day, no matter how prepared, or educated or how many freaking fancy essential oils i have, its ALL out of my hands. and i can waste my time now with worry and more research and more preparing, or i can keep myself busy and call it "nesting" but its really just unnecessary house work to keep my mind off it, or i can keep saying "tomorrow ill do this" or "tomorrow ill think about this"or "tomorrow will be better" or "tomorrow ill be more prepared" or blah blah blah. i can do all of these things but all im really doing is wasting these last precious days i have with just willow and i. its not fair to her. and most importantly, its not fair to God.

God is the one who has the ultimate control over the outcome of this. and thats been a hard lesson to learn, especially these past few weeks. i just need to give it up. i can use fear and my need to control to keep my trust farther from the One who can calm my fear, farther from the One who has the true control.

and at the end of the day, He knows best. even if it all happens exactly the same, or something worse happens, or its a dream labour and delivery (gasp! could you imagine? its so possible!). He got me through it once, He'd do it again. PLUS, how could i be so selfish to forget that He gave me a perfect, healthy, beautiful human being out of the deal with ms. willow worrell. and as hard as it is to say, i would do it again if it meant getting another. i would. i would. i would.